Parallel lives

That's what I realized I and Saurabh led last 15-18 days ...I in a different filmy world in Goa totally oblivious to the gravity of the situation in Mumbai and Saurabh in Mumbai - totally immersed in Mumbai's sorrow and prob. not being able to comprehend my insesitivity...
And just today when I came back and dug the papers kept in a rack next to the sink in the kitchen I read the stories and got struck with the same sentiment that struck most of the mumbaikars a few days ago.
Well now that I look at the pattern, small bomb blasts, becoming a daily doze at the news and not lasting the media attention longer than the spat between film heroes, this was an event waiting to happen. An event that shakes everyone and makes them feel, this could be you.

Going back to my Goa fest, I remember watching the movie "A wednesday" in IFFI - I remember the moment when the audience clapped in unision, someone even stood up, when Nasuriddin Shah said in the movie - " I am a common man who is scared to board the public bus. I feel helpless". Those words never rang true to me.
That's when our, mine and Saurabh's, parallel world seemed to unknowingly converge.

today

i finally realized what i want at the end of the day. At the end of everyday.

In search of my fingerprints

Just thought of publishing on someone else's blog:
http://passionforcinema.com/in-search-of-my-fingerprints/

A trip back into the life

I think it is a good idea to revisit our past and reanalyze those days of our lives when we were sad over our heartbreak or super happy on getting the first company that came on our campus.
Is it possible that the happy days of our life should sometimes be our sad days as we got something we wanted but in the bigger picture they are the things that really limited our exploration? Or that somedays, we were sad on a failure but those failures actually pushed us to our maximum potential. We missed the big picture on those days.

Then when I do that, I wonder, in future, how would I know whether to be happy or sad on a given incident. What significance will that incident have on the context of the bigger picture? Will this doubt make me not experience the emotion that incident demands? Will it average out all my emotions and deprive me of moments of extreme sadness, moments of extreme joy - moments of life? Isn't living life same as vibrating with these emotions - in the ignorance of bigger picture.
Then I wonder, do I want to be enlightened by the awareness of this bigger picture or do I want to remain ignorant?

From the top of the mountain

This mountain,
All green,
I started climbing up,
It took 10 days.
I stayed in a tent.
I ate very little.
My water got over.
But I reached the top.
And I saw the world ..
I saw tiny houses,
Tiny roads,
Tiny rivers,
Far away I saw an ocean
And beyond that
That ocean again.
It didn't end.

That ocean
Beckons me.

-arati

baby on his father's shoulder...

As the morning dew yawned on the tropical leaf,
The first ray of sun entered, touched it, and burst into laughter...

Akira Kurosawa

Will post some of the insightful quotes from the genius's book (Something like an autobiography) in this posting as I read the book.

"Many of my friends have urged me to write an autobiography...It is no longer enough for them to know that an artist has expressed himself with the help of the camera and a microphone."

auto woes

Well yeah last three years were great with my poor civic never giving me a problem unless I gave it one. And then I experienced the best cars - the beamers, the lexus, the porche, the merc, the lotus - and on best roads where you were slow if you drove 60 miles per hour. Talking about drives how could I forget the pleasure of long drives that I used to experience with paramesh or samarth while doing the I-90 loop. Ah the array of lights on the tunnel of the bridge with latest bollywood hit playing in the car. And then the tunnel opened to the panaromic view of seattle downtown with space needle standing tall and we would claim- what is so world famously impressive about it.
But a week of riding on mumbai autos and on mumbai roads(??) with intense rain and strong winds making sure that those rains reach you regardless of you using the plastic curtains at their side have made me completely forget the pleasure of riding on any four wheeler.

So today when coming back my auto was coughing more than the old autowallah himself- with him being hearing impaired to not listen to either the auto or to me. And the auto stopped 5 times - everytime him blaming the adulterated petrol and refusing to let me down in the hope that the auto will move forward. Finally I had to shout as loud as I would have shouted bachao bachao (as if the auto were on fire) to make him stop ( I might have just gotten down and ran away as the auto was that slow but the old man was too old to be swindled). And then i got down finally took a cab and when as soon as my butt landed on the taxi seat I realized the luxury I have been depriving myself. Wow.
I used to think that my maid's healthy cooking or the hectic college is leading to some weight loss, only to realize now that the best exercise for my butt had been - yes - ride on a mumbai auto.

Do I experience long distance relationship everyday?

So this Sunday I was supposed to goto college for a meeting. Well so I bid Saurabh a weepy farewell and sat on my auto (it is another thing that mid-way I checked my mobile only to find a sms that the meeting was cancelled :( - well someone tell them that we really didnot check smses in US that often). Nonetheless, in the auto I was wondering that I and saurabh have had a long distance relationship for around 5 years and why suddenly being away for 7 hours on a sunday is causing so much emotional churn. Was I guilty of leaving him alone at home? But not really coz he was besides himself with joy as he was getting to play xbox (and I have started imposing curfew on xbox). But when I thought about it, I really was missing not being able to spend the sunday with him. Suddenly the pain of 1 day's separation seemed more than pain of 5 years. If I ask myself, do i love him more than I loved him a year ago, the answer is yes (and hope that it will be perenially yes). But then when I ask myself if I loved him any lesser a year ago, the answer ironically comes out to be no.

The leaf

The leaf atop the tree,
The tallest tree.
The highest leaf.
One day,
the wind blows,
And the leaf,
Finds wings.


-Arati

xbox to xbox - daily diary

Well that was my day today in totality but then a lot of things happened in between!
Well first of all the morning began with saurabh trying to play xbox (him not feeling well today decided to take first half off). :(.
And well then I rushed to college to edit my first project(I called Rohit at 8:15 to know what time the editing starts and he said 9 - thought it was a little tight I and my autowallah embarked into the mission of making me reach college by 9 - I entered the premises at 8:54 to start the editing). And well I didnt realize that that is all i would be doing till 5:30 pm! Ironically I started with the idea of making fun of the folks with complicated thinking and I got carried away so much so that lots of people are now not understanding my project. Well now I know how Vincent Van Gogh felt. Ofcourse the editing session was closely followed by a film appreciation - and how tough was it to do that mental context switch - but the movie we saw - 12 angry man was amazing.
Well I rushed back to the editing lab - saw a few videos of other folks then rushed back home - 45 minutes ride on auto that I pool with Rohit (hopefully car comes by the weekend) and the autowallah and me realizing that we do not have change - so I rushed to nearest pan thela to take the change - buy some eggs as a return of favor.
I rushed home to hear that saurabh was not that well after all :( and also that he stayed at home (after visitng the doc at leelavathi who adviced him rest :((). This is however interesting coz when he stays at home he consumes twice the amount of food so all my provisioning of food for the day (that I negotiate with my maid) goes kaput so I realized that there is only rice left at home for dinner (P.S - Saurabh doesn't like rice). So well I put the eggs to use and make some scrambled eggs desi style (bhurji) and we ate that with some roti and rice (P.S - I love rice). Then came a session of phone calls and some TV. After fighting against CNBC-IBN, I got to see MTV only to realize that now when I see a video - I tear it apart mentally - I notice the background music, cinematography, shot breakdown and scene transitions. Suddenly Singh is King is not amusing and the trailer of Phoonk is not scary :(. Ah the film appreciation class has managed to corrupt me. By then Saurabh manages to change channel to some madonna's song and we try our hand at some dance and I realize that after hours of not being together - one moment is still worth being together (in this holy matrimony that is)(P.S- this is my take - I dunno his take) and then ofcourse since we are not really newly married anymore - i get busy on my laptop and Saurabh sits next to me playing his Xbox and has his mouth open.

script woes

Conversation with Asim over chat:

Arati: I need to shoot tomorrow and I need to just go thru my script once..mebbe i should improvise on it and change it a little bit.
Asim:No focus on other thngs now. How will u shoot, how will camera move, cinematography etc forget script now ... if u have to work in bollywood u have to forget about scripts anyways

Bandra diary

So this Sunday, I and Saurabh decided to go for a jog before our dinner. Well after much deliberation we thought of keeping it to just a long walk as we realized that jog will not be feasible in the crowded bandstand. So at one end of bandstand there is Galaxy apartments. For non-Bandraites, it is where Salman Khan (he is a bollywood star) resides with all kith and kin. So apparently he comes out every Sunday eve around 7 pm to give his "darshan" and wave at all his admirers. And believe it or not, that area of bandstand was jam packed with people gaping at his apartment where the lights were on. Infact it was almost impossible to pass through that area. Well what we did - we just ignored him and continued on our way..
A little away, reasonably away from the crowd, there was a school/junior college aged boy lying on the corner of the road. I really don't think he was sleeping but I felt he had fainted. As even Saurabh commented, the city can be disturbing at times. There was not even a single person who had stopped to look at him or wonder what has happened to him. People were just walking past him. Well what we did - we just ignored him and continued on our way ...

sky looks bigger

That's what I feel after the first week. Wait was it just a week? We had classes from 10 am/9:30 am till 8:30 at night. Back to back. Yes 1 hour break in the lunch and in one week itself I feel that I have taken flight... to understand the complexity - the art and science of film making, how a story is told - visually. I have seen the movies that I have loved more than I could possibly imagine, developed a new taste for short movies, I know more about literature, music and I wonder what took me so long to find my bearing? I have realized how tough it is to act - and understood this art in its real form. And how *tough* it is to make a movie and captivate those thousands of minds sitting in a dark room. And yet it is so wonderful to share your labor of love with them. That narcotic moment when your creation is ready for you to see in its tangible form - being able to touch your thoughts. Yes there is lots of struggle, possibilities of disappointment, uncertainities but how can we stop a person doped with workings of his own mind. One of the instructor says - the paradox every artist face is to find your own unique voice and still reach out to millions. How rightly said.
I am basically an artist - a story teller and now it all makes sense why I would day dream about someone's stories while driving my car or attending a meeting(oops). What I perceived as distractions of my mind were actually its cravings. And now the pieces of life fall in there place - as I feel all the water in the river flowing down one single path. The course is right, the force is more now. My faculty is all performers, folks who have found their voices. When was the last time I heard the music of Aashique, did I know that its music director would take my music class or teach abt importance of background music? Or saw Pukar and realized its cinematographer would teach me cinematography or saw Ghulam and knew his writer would teach me script writing. Or when I last saw Jodha akbar or Taare Zameen Pe did I know that I would interact with their makers - eye to eye? Did I know that person who teaches me film appreciation has possibly read all the books or seen all the movies I would ever read or see.
My favourite class emerge to be the one by a 65 year old philosopher who talks about Indian and American literature. The sheer rhythm in the class mesmerizes me. I feel as if I am in a trance.
When I see such literary genius - who talk about books I haven't read, intricate movies (Megha Dhaka Taara, Man without a Head Children of Heaven)that I hadn't even heard of, and experience the vibrancy of my colleagues - ah the innocent ambitions and ferocious energy - I just feel I have so much to learn, so much to do - so much sky to cover. Amen.

Well it is kinda easy to take a decision

a tad bit difficult to live it. Well just a tad bit. So here is a summary of my first week. Well we had orientation and team building exercises in the first week. Had a few film appreciation classes and they showed us movie too..we had one class on importance of music and the point was brought well cross by showing clips with music and without it. We were shown a beautiful movie - Children of Heaven and i just loved it. Also the history behind Iranian movies. They show us lots of movies - Chris here said :" man they show you guys lot of movies as if you are in a film school or something."
Abbas Tyrewala came to speak to students but by then my fever had gotten the better of me and I had to miss a few classes.
Well there are incidentally lots of engineers and few psychologists here. I find few of the students emotional fools an some of them exceptionally brilliant..i loved the interaction with shishir joshi about how sensationalism creeped up in media and how it is all game of TRPs. Basically if they show good content, the TRPs slip, so the advertisers leave them. So they have to resort to sensationalism. Well and news channels are not NGOs.
There is something called my first project that one needs to deliver within first 3 weeks and all students are really planning a lot for it..i had one idea for it but Saurabh found it strictly ok.So I need to think of another one too...the classes are going to be hectic from 9-8. and may be beyond. I checked out my tt - monday - lots of cinemtography will be taught...So well the real work starts next week. I plan to join dance classes - which is by shaimak davar troupe...mebbe will learn some moves..i think i have made a few friends- few who look for me when we enter the class. Lots of folks are shocked to know that i am married. i look young you see :). Well some guys said that my hubby is very supportive to let me do that..i didnt like that comment in particular though i know how much saurabh is working to make this whole process comfy for me. well when i told this to saurabh said that i shld tell them that your parents are very supportive to let you learn it and have also paid for it.
Also students here have opportunity to write 1 page for screen magazine so I am planning to grab that opportunity for myself one of these months.
Well as I sit in the class, sometimes in the cafeteria, look around, some teenage girls, some crazy haired directors, some quiet loners, I realize that when they see me, they feel that there is unnecessary weight of my past education and my age in me. I don't see the weight, i just feel a little taller. I feel I can look farther. Mebbe that's why I know, I will learn well.

global warming is today!

I was going to the bank and was generally chatting with my autowallah. When we stopped in a signal, he looked outside, up at the sky and said -"baarish hone ko maanga hai" (it gotta rain)
And we were always worried about how our kids would suffer because of global warming and I am realizing that it is happening in our lifetime itself - infact in the lifetime of our parents. Reading reports and seeing documentaries weren't the only source of my concern. I see that most of India is under drought. I can experience the climate change first hand. Most of us can. It was never supposed to snow in Seattle and now we have snow-storms. Nashik, two years ago in this time of the year used to have plenty of rains. I remember getting totally drenched when chandana visited me and this year there have only been a few half-hearted drizzles.
If things weren't scary enough, I saw a documentary on history on mesopotamia where they predicted the end of the world in 2012 (a ballpark) and they predict it from drowning.
I really hope that govt across the world take approriate steps to mitigate it to certain extent. In one of the reports I read - the US was the worst culprit emitting most of the green house gases (I will state the numbers once I get back to Mumbai - yes I am still in Nashik). Europeans were smarter and embraced public transport and green environment better. Infact if China and India also develop along the same lines as US then the earth will not be able to take so much of pollution.
I mentioned this to one of the guys who said, "well what can I do ? I really do not have time to hold a placcard and ask people to change." Well, no one is asking to change the world. But then do I - as an individual want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?
I kinda realized that I want to be part of the solution. So here is what I am planning to do and have already started:
1) Plastic bags are a strict no-no. I don't use them (besides they don't look pretty). And if some shop like shopper's stop gives them to me then I take it and use it again and again and again - I carry it everywhere instead of aasking fo new ones. In future I am gonna refuse those plastic bags totally and in further future maybe yell at them for using them and not providing greener solutions.
2) Public transport is yes :). Ok ok I am guilty here I recently purchased a car and will probably be going to whistling woods in the car as it is so far off from home and also the train stations are far away. But in the longer term I am gonna explore the possiblity of using th trains, or maybe carpool and best is move closer to it so that I do not have to travel so much. As it is Saurabh uses trains exclusively.
3) Save electricity. Turn off lights, fans.
4) Save water - minimize bubble baths and al those fancy things. I am waiting for drinking water to get costlier than petrol one day and I badly hope that I am wrong. But few years ago the concept of buying water was unheard of. Incidentally in my visit to Singapore, when I was reading the local newspaper I realized that shortage of drinking water is one of the topmost problem being faced and they are investing hugely in reasearch to convert seawater to drinking water and they are seeing some success.
5) Vote for a government that is more aware of these issues, have literates who understand the gravity of the issue and plan the cities so that there is good public transport. I can only be optimistic here.
6) There are lots of folks who donot understand global warming. Just let them know what it is.
7) Alternative energy sources - if I have to invest I would invest in them (if I had money that is :))
The poorest of the poor and richest of the rich share the same sky, same sea, same earth. In a world where we all are partitioned because of so many reasons let's not ruin one thing that unites all of us.

2050 or jaane tu

2 movies releasing today and 3 out of 4 papers were advertising them crazily (the 4th paper is economic times that saurabh snatches from me to read the moment I pick up the papers). While I was thinking myself which one to see first- calls Paramesh from Seattle where the movie has already released and he says watch Jaane tu it is breezy like DCH. A decision made easy. Thanks Paramesh!


Man I miss Seattle.

so am i settled

Well so I was discussing this with Mary over chat. I do not feel shy to instruct things to my maid now. I do not feel that we are underpaying her. I do not feel guilty of small kids acting as delivery boys. My tips to them have reduced drastically. I now ask the cost of vegetables before buying it and do not give away money to every beggar I see on the street. The vegetable vendors (apart from immigration officers in the mumbai airport) recognize me and I have started eating street food :).I have gained weight and started becoming philosophical in my blogs and have started talking about having gained weight.
The euphoria of having an apartment next to the sea has settled and so have I.

the real world

My horoscope of the year was - "your expenditure will exceed your income"
And that was the first thought that crossed my mind when it struck me that I had lost my wallet for good.
"How would you go back to your hotel?" - the security lady of china town asked me. Good question I thought.
"Everybody should lose his/her wallet atleast once in their life" - was the third thing that I heard from Saurabh when I came back to hotel.
The fourth thing that I heard from my brother when I called him to help me cancel all my US credit cards was - "Don't worry you would have lost all that anyways".

--
Well as a software engineer I have lived most of my life (at least last few years) in the web world. I have expressed a lot on chats, blogs, breathed in facebook and orkut and ofcourse college world and seattle-microsoft world is utopia in some sense where everyone is good and honest. Everything is safe. You let down your guards and then one day you realize that there are people who would want to steal. And then you wonder, how much money would tempt you to steal from someone? How would you enjoy it if you know it is is not your money? What will not let you enjoy more? The risk of being caught or the guilt of taking something away from someone? Or can you understand the person who is needy enough to not care about all these questions when he is stealing?
So a Google employee opened a coffee shop called TerraByte near kirkland (Seattle) and the business model was that you need not pay for the coffee - if you feel like you can tip but the person serving coffee will not look at the tip you are giving and it is in a box in the corner of the coffee shop so there is no way for her/him to come back and check and remember for future. I and Dami had gone to check it out and a year later it was still operational. It is heard that pple didnt feel good about drinking coffee for free and sometimes ended up paying more money out of that guilt. May be he should try opening a similar shop in ChinaTown too and compare the stats.

To connect with someone is not a transitive relationship

I was busy talking to school friends or calling them over today (story so far - I and saurabh share the same key of the apartment and saurabh took the key to office to get its duplicate made and I was locked at home (btw he couldnot find time to make the duplicate and i am so mad at him for that)). Inspite of having so many things to do and books to read the fact that i am forced to stay inside the apartment when I could see the beautiful beach outside was making me turn over in my - umm- sofa.
Anyways coming back to the point...I met a friend who like me has a tattoo :) but is unwilling to settle for a normal life (read marrying indian guys) and then she told me abt another common friend of ours and said that she cannot connect to her and felt that she could relate to me coz I follow my heart too.
Well then I spoke to this another friend who is so close to me and mentioned that I met this girl and she told me yeah she is pretty wild and she cannot relate to her and is thankful that I am back as she can relate to me as I am just like her - a normal girl.
Well frankly, I could connect to both of them pretty well. And this is my theory - the possibility of friendship and connection with someone is not a transitive relationship.
P.S- yes I have too much of free time in my hand with being locked inside like this

an artist's dilemma

They say that an artistic medium is a medium to express and not impress (or that's what I read from a blog of a new generation writer). Not more could I agree with the sentence and especially the rhyme in it makes it sound very profound. But at the same time, I feel that the biggest reward for such an expression is when someone "get's it". Someone understands what you went out and expressed. Someone gets impressed with it.
As the hindu philosophy goes, "karm kar phal ki chinta mat kar" ("Do your work and do not worry about the results" - something my mom always says since childhood and I had written this down and pasted that note behind my computer in iitk and a few guys saw it and made total fun of it).
Maybe the same applies here - express yourself without any inhibitions. So much so for the goal oriented world.

housewife diary cont...

Arati to Saurabh: I don't like your tea.
Saurabh to Arati: I don't like your food.
Arati: Why
Saurabh: Your food is very south Indian. I dont like south Indian food so much.

Later...
Arati to Asim: I think saurabh doesn't like the food I cook.
Asim: ok
Arati: what should i do? what should i do?
Asim: nothing. He will get used to it.

Later...
Arati to Saurabh: I like the tea you make.

:).
P.S- Blame Dami, mary, VC, g3, paramesh for making my cooking predominantly south indian.

my weird psychology

Vodofone guy had come over to do my address verification.
Guy: Are you Miss or Mrs
Me: Mrs
Guy: But your husband surname is kumar
Me: I have not changed the surname
Guy: What is your occupation
Me: hmm Student
Guy: How can you be married and student
Me: Why can I not be both married and student

Pause

Guy: Shall I write housewife?
Me: No write student

---
Yesterday I gave a woman 50 rupees. Saurabh thinks she fooled me but she had asked me immediately after i had bought a chocolate pastry worth 40 rupees. It just didn't seem fair to have those 50 rupees on my side and that (allegedly hungry) kid on her side. I just gave her benefit of doubt.

Aha- the housewife diary

Saurabh thinks that I am too active to just stay bolted inside the house. It had been only 2 days - that too a weekend and I was wondering what I should do the coming week. Yup there is lots of work lined up - fitting my 9 suitcases into 3 cupboards, furnishing and decorating the apartment and getting it ready for a small housewarming, reading books on movie making- yes I visited the institute and met a few folks there and realized that I really need to be well-prepared before I join (did I tell the classes are from 8 in the morning to 7:30 in the evening + add 1 hour of commute on both ends + add the fact that more than 12 classes missed means you are dropped out of the course!). I also want to explore the neighbourhood (Mount Mary road - my association with Mary doesnt end). My flat overlooks ocean and also balcony of old-time movie stars - Jackie Shroff and Rekha (I say that it is fraud news as I havent seen them even once in last 2 days). Neighbourhood has band-stand and bungalow of shahrukh Khan and I need to just jog in bandstand area if the sun goes easy on me. Oh how I wish the sun was a little less harsher!
I need to get internet installed - wont be done till 12 more days - as it is going to be provided by our building -it is Reliance - now they are going the comcast way - one cable provides everything- right now I am stealing neighbour's wireless (>:)). . I have maid - Samita who comes and does everything except cooking - I wouldn't let anyone else cook at my home ever but Saurabh says that once my classes starts we will need it. There is someone for ironing clothes too. We don't have a car yet and I will buy Maruti Swift pretty soon. I already have a driver though - an overly talkative Wasim (whio currently drives a taxi) - who also wants me to buy a swift or a Toyota Innova (and I dunno why). I keep wondering what he will do outside institute full day and am thinking if I should drive myself but Saurabh says better to have a driver and not deal with the mind-numbing Mumbai traffic. I also keep wondering what I will do if my maid or driver doesn't come one day. I want to be self-reliant at the end of the day.
Mumbai city is bustling with people, very fashionable (which I find very interesting), the windows of the houses are open (that is a big deal after living in closed windowed apartments for so long), there is easy access to house help, you enter a shop and 4 salesmen are ready to help you, the 1-800 numbers have started, there is craze for IPL cricket matches, the shops have salsa and chakkali placed in the same aisle, fresh juices are cheaper than that from concentrate, there is an increased realization of the fact that India is young now with all ads targeting the youth, there is heavy inflation- infact I donot let saurabh buy half of the things (sugar-cane juice is now 8 rupees instead of 5 rupees), the traffic tires you more than the actual work, the various application forms like those for mobile etc ask for father's or husband's name, there is cuckoo and peacock and early morning alarm from all the hens and cocks in the neighbourhood, you call them and they come pick up dvd and then deliver photos, call and they deliver everything under the sun, but at the end of the day the biggest difference is being able to live with someone with whom I had decided to build my nest so many years ago.

Ok- let's unpack now :).

Splash, run, jump. Live!

This is the caption I am rooting for in one of the "design the laptop skin contest" for one of the teams I do not work in :) . I thought I can anyways pariticipate and ended up designing this- http://www.schtickers.com/catalog/laptopskins/create/preview.php?id=200331200804170331

Now I am not an extremely "proud of myself" kinda person. On the other hand I underrate myself and appear less confident for my capabilites (this can be called as a self-contradictory statement).

And after saying all this I am gonna tell you that I think my design and the caption is the best so far in the competition. And I say it in total objectivity.
And I will tell you why- because it is right in spirit. It is something that would cheer me more when I am happy and it will give me confidence when I am not feeling motivated. And that brings me to a point where lots of folks designed most of their captions around beating others. And it hurts me when the judge showed some liking towards a few of them (dunno why I am getting personal about this).
But frankly, folks talking about beating others, I do not find that an encouraging thing. Infact the moment someone asks me to beat someone, he makes a statement that in current capabilities I am not as good as the other person and additionally my aspiration should be around being better than that person. I am okay with the first part of the statement. But totally not okay with having an element of comparison in my aspiration.
I want my aspirations to motivate me, to provide me some energy , provide me that overwhelming intoxication and I want to feel that rhythm, feel the positive energy from what I am doing right now. I want my aspirations to be beyond the current age competition. I want it to be a state of bliss... I aspire for a state of mind and not for a goal. If I reach that state I know I am already successful - I have already attained what I started for and I need not beat anyone to get there. Basically I do not run to come first. I run to run and that keeps me going, keeps me running...
I don't know if I am correct or if I am just different...

Laughing Buddha ...

A long distance relationship is the shortest way to attain nirvana...it teaches you patience, non-violence (how do you hit from so far) and abstinence.

change ...

I have a huge inertia against changes...And I can cite various reasons to not change - lazyness, insecurity, fondness for the existing entities...

But then, I have grown up at multiple places, from south to north to central India, moving with my parents, trying to restart my life in a new place every 5-6 years. I have come to realize that once inflicted upon me, change is something that I takeup to very easily. It's like starting from a white background and constructing my world bit by bit - figuring out the most convenient grocery store, making new friends, trying to make them realize that I am no different and yet preserve my individuality...
When I see that the person that I am today - I see that most of what I am is influenced by all these various environments I have experienced. I have met a variety of people - from frustratingly conservative to mind-numbing liberal ones. I am a product of all these environments. I understand multiple point of views so much so that it makes it difficult for me to identify which one is mine. There are people who are split into 2 personalities, I sometimes feel I am split into many and all of them coexist.
Whenever I go to a new place, it poses a challenge for me - I need to figure it out - tame it. It is a puzzle to be solved, a beast to be tamed. I need to understand the folks, understand their "wassups", their way of living, what they talk when they eat...I learn new things like- I need to be fit, I need to read about politics - and I revel in that understanding and that learning. I feel like expanding my own boundaries, I feel the growth within...I grow because of these changes in my life...and then I become comfortable ...till I am forced to step out of it ...till the tide of change has arrived...no matter how much I try to avoid it I get swept by it...the new change poses new challenges ... and a new cycle starts which is pretty similar , kinda like a deja vu.. At a meta level, nothing changes ...what if I do not want to change and want to just stay at one place...but then I have my inertia ....that propels me towards change...

generation gap - whadda phuck is dat

I recently had a chat with a 21 year old in India (no don't ask me why - long story). And the coversation was something like this:
Arati: Hi. Thanks for taking time out.
That guy: usually m onlyne at this tym ... 2nyte was juss sleepin takin some rest so got late .. :p
That guy: hey listn ... i'll be back in feu mins ... have a grup meetihn ...
Arati: sure
That guy: sowwi to cut down da convers,
Arati: No problem at all :)
That guy: back .. still onlyne ...
Arati: yup- gimme 5 mins <-- that gimme was my cool factor that I gathered in the small break i got
That guy: no worries take ur tyme... pyce
Arati: what is pyce ?
That guy: peace
Arati: oh

Finally after a few conversations, when I conceded that I am not getting his phonetic language he said:
ohhh ... lol ... sowwi for da discomfrt u faced :p

Well..
Next moment I was telling everyone around about the language being spoken by 21 year olds. I was under the impression that I could still talk to any person of any age group without really needing any efforts to understand what he is trying to say. Well seems like thats's not true with me and current 21 year olds. That was a surprise for me. I thought - "...Gawd...whad dis erld iz cuming 2?" (that sorta language is infectious)

Just then, my brother sent me a mail that I had sent 5 years ago to my previous company - it was my farewell(good bye) mail and it went like this:


Some wisdom rather quest of adventure has pushed thee into the snare of IIT, Kanpur whose ostentatious AC departments have besotted thee and prompted to renounce the banana chips and the most coveted seat in Sigma house in lovable Persistent. Included in this Buddha-act of renunciation is the 50 MB of email account arati_kadav@persistent.co.in.
But temptations manifests itself in different forms and thee have opened two new accounts :
aratikadav@yahoo.com
aratikadav@hotmail.com
with its modest accommodations.
For alternative mode of information transmission one has:
(0712)2543811 my phone number in the ancestral flat
502,Shiv Gaurav Estate
1, Bhagwaghar Layout
Dharampeth
Nagpur-10
Thous mails would be the only consolation in thee's period of exile that would last for 2 years.So good bye my friends for tis now the time that we set forth to meet face to face that what we fear:). Here's wishing thou's happiness, progress and heavenly glory.
A supercalli fragillus expalidotius colleague of yours, Arati
P.S1- Would really miss my favorite habitat
P.S2- Couldn't help pestering by this-type mail :)


Hmmm...So it is not just this 21 year old guy, I think I have a generation gap with all 21 year olds that ever existed - including myself...:)...Tis not thee but i dat bcam difren...

PS1: My heart aches to see that in our times we used Shakerpearean touch to influence our language and today's kids use Shaggy's touch to influence their language.
PS2- My heart aches even more when I see myself using phrases like "in our times" and "today's kids" :(.

All men are born equal

unless they are born women...
"Ladki ka kanyadaan sampann hua"
I am one of those lucky few who have experienced equality of sexes enough to perceive that there are inequalities still existing in our society. And I wince at the fact that I tolerated it.
My marriage apart from celebrations of union of 2 souls (ok - gimme a break :)!) was also illuminating in the sense I realized how much sexual discrimination is prevalent in our society and is being carried forward in the name of "culture" and if not culture "tradition".
And I don't know what it is(s it the Gladiator movie I just saw) that has instigated me to voice it right now. Why is there kanyadaan? Why do the bride's family host the marriage function? Why does the girl leave to the groom's house?
Its not for myself but my heart goes out for 1000s of those girls who grow up in their family, happily bossing their younger brothers, being pampered by their father and mother -leave everything and go and settle in some different town, burdened by "customs", need to touch feet at the drop of a hat, need to not raise her eyes, need to cook without ready-to-eat packs. Well with time, she adjusts, she earns her postion, she wins the love of her husband and folks around, but yeah, the first day - like for a small kid left in a hostel by her parents - my heart goes out to her...

Afterthought ...

I think it is possible for a person to be in love with two folks :).

Love ...

Yesterday I had a very engaging discussion with my friends ... About being in love with 2 folks (I can hear mary chuckle as she reads the above line) ...It all started with the movie "Mujhse Shaadi Karogi" where the female was confused about whom she should marry.
By my definition of love - I felt it was not possible at same point in time to be in love with 2 folks, at different points in time totally possible and if you are talking about true love as being love of human beings then yeah at that state you can feel for multiple people...a few of them felt that I did not open up to the mental state of other folks who can fall in love with two folks ... I on the otherhand had a point of view that those folks feel that they are in love but I dont think they are and in the course of discussion some very interesting point of views came up - love is extreme form of likeness, you cannot love 2 people at the same time as a director cannot make two movies at the same time (or a painter cannot draw two paintings at the same time), love consumes you, or that all consuming love is actually infactuation, and a very interesting point that love has a imaginary part and a real part , will you stop loving if the person leaves you? However, finally as true blue engineers we concluded that if love can be measured in intensity in a scale from 1 to 10, and if at point 7 we reach a state that only one person can be loved by you then that is my definition of love and if someone defines love as point 5 then he can possibly be in love with multiple folks...then someone said tumhaara love love aur hammara love paani, when someone else retorted, tumhaare love ki definition hee paani hai..lot of logic and mathematics went into defining what love is and I thought let me have one attempt to describe the feeling of love for myself (as what I feel is love) starting from a clean slate but deriving from my own observations and experiences. I fear that I might end up contradicting myself at different points or change my course- as that's what I feel love is - illogical, constantly changing, confusing ...

But then I also feel it is a state of peacefulness, a state of security, a place of belonging...it sometimes begins with a state of complete chaos...how lucky are those who have experienced that chaos, who have experienced that complete madness, loss of identity, breakdown of reason, loss of the concept of "I". It's a state of high, its a state of restlessness. It's a state of "goose bumps and sudden smiles". It's that stage when you argue against yourself, against your own reasons.. it awakens you from your mundane slumber, it intensifies if you try to defy it, you find a purpose, purpose in a person... It's a feeling you fail to comprehend , or justify to someone else - "Arre you won't understand" - as this feeling is not coming from your conscious, it is coming from you unconscious, the part of you who doesnot care about reasons, have you ever felt that part of yours? Have you ever had to answer the question - "why are you smiling" :).
If you accept that chaos, accept that breakdown of self, your chaos ends in an harmony, the harmony I call as love, as you have acknowledged that crazy self of yours, as you have realized that living life is about experiencing this chaos...and your concept of self has expanded to include that other person. This state of harmony is not dependent on the reciprocation of love, it is only dependent on your own acceptance of it...the need for reciprocation is there only if the concept of self hasn't broken down...but it has....the acceptance gives you security, feeling of belonging within yourself... you have grown. You have experienced some of your feelings through someone else. Someone just shook you... defying all instincts of survival you have placed someone before yourself, you became one with your creator ...
Is it infactuation, may be, am I a maniac, may be :), is it beginning of a true love, may be...

and i am back

it has probably been 3-4 months since i posted anything here and even longer since I have had any creative juices flowing.
Much has happened since then - I am married (to someone who I think has stolen my tiffin box), have made a few videos - Our monkeys production has debuted with Andy's farewell and so on. I haven't cooked except the shrimps with coconut and onion (which turned out okayish) and have developed a new addiction to dack chocolate covered espresso beans which I am chewing even now. I am a few pounds heavier, can take 6 shots without getting drunk, havr dicovered friendship with my tough guy -russian colleague and yeah got a huge tattoo on my back.
Mentally too - in my recent few months I have lived my life from outside when I was going through the marriage ceremony - was trying to grasp things - debating the possible viaolent history of the marriage ceramony (guy comes with a sword on a horse) and complaining aboot sexual discrimination - why do girls have to go to guys' family? - trying to get perspective of things - and then have lived my life from within - on having a companion who understands my questions - never ignores my aspirations - sometimes dreams on my behalf and yeah most importantly makes sense out of me.
I have also discovered my new passion for movie making - have only made videos and skits but in those i like the idea of orchestrating a small fictitious word - it is just like writing a blog or cooking, you see a medley of thoughts meeting, parting ways - sometimes you fear that you might end up in a cacaphony but then there is a feeling of triumph when you come up witha a melody.
With that - let the thoughts flow - lets restart the blog.

old times

From: Meena Kadav
Subject: YOUR POEM WRITTEN WHEN U WERE IN CLASS 7 TH AND SENT TO PAPA AT GWALIOR

A letter from Arati to Papa when you were in class 7th
I am fine here and hope same from you.There are few things which I forgot to say you in Telephone for e.g I got a prize in story writing competition and received a steel plate. I have begun to write poem in english. Now I want to bore you
Corrupt Environment
Corruption, corruption every where corruption
From where has the corruption arisen
Nobody Care for the nation
Everybody is in evils domination
Corruption, corruption whose creation
Everybody wants to get rid of the salutation
Yet they don't want to leave profit of corruption
Corruption, corruption mind pollution
What is the solution
Nobody chooses a better resolution
What will happen to future generation

Department with daddy ( Present poem)
Oh my dear cute father
I am your only daughter
Where have you gone?
Leaving me alone
A weed of department has grown
Cant be overcome by phone
Sitting alone in the room
I am cursing the doom
Asking for the boon
Of your arriving soon
Come here and meet
With your daughter sweet.

A poem on you - Genuine beauty
Eyes of a beautiful face
Makes the sight full of grace
Lips of a sweet voice
Makes of the song of your choice
Hair which are clean and tidy
Adds to the beautiful personality
Cheeks with the color of rose
Brings your children very close
A kind word for poor and disable
Makes a man more respectable

Note - Our examination are starting
From 3rd and ending at 16 March
Asim ko bhi meri poem ka bukhar hai

kid bros

Overheard Asim -on knowing that I will go to delhi after marriage he said to mom - why is arati going to delhi after marriage why isnt she coming back to nashik with us.

Later after stayin with me in Nashik and after 1000th fight we had - Abhi jo karna hai kar - delhi jayegi to pata chalega :).