Sunday, February 25, 2007

farewell ....

A little change of flavor -

Elizabeth Barett Browning (Love Sonnet VI)

Go from me.
Yet I feel that I shall stand
Henceforward in thy shadow. Nevermore
Alone upon the threshold of my door
Of individual life, I shall command
The uses of my soul, nor lift my hand
Serenely in the sunshine as before,
Without the sense of that which I forbore--
Thy touch upon the palm. The widest land
Doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine
With pulses that beat double. What I do
And what I dream include thee, as the wine
Must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue
God for myself, He hears that name of thine,
And sees within my eyes -
the tears of two

And please welcome ...

Well whoever said that the world consisted of only married or single people. Seems like they missed one category - which everyone is part of at some point in their life - yeah - the "about to marry" (ATM) folks.
And then it doesn't matter whether you know whom you are getting married to or whether you know who you cannot get married to - there is the realization of the inevitable - you know you are gonna get married by "next year".
This twilight zone of your life make you go through a surge of emotions and hence I feel that this state merits its own category. If you are committed - you know to whom that one phone call of the day will be directed to (incase you are doing the long distance thing - btw people having their bf/gf locally are eliminated from this survey -you are already on the other side of the fence guys). If you are single you hope that one of these days (in a conference or during a journey or in the bar or in the coffee shop) you meet that special person ...otherwise your parents will do the needful ...
I feel the ATMs (of all kind) are increasing by the day - probably because its a stage where you have benefits of either stages of your life. There is this carefreeness and independence and to a certain extent you do have a sense of direction as far as your personal life is concerned. It is like having rights but no responsibilities ...It is blissful - though the bliss can sometimes be marred by a sudden marriage invitation of your childhood friend in your inbox or worse still a devastating announcement by another childhood friend - "We are having a baby"! - What - so soon?
...and you know the eventuality (and with all honesty you look forward to it - coz it has its own perks) - however since every stage in life deserves some inertia - so does this ...I mean, when in your life could you afford sudden trips to Vegas, dropping drunk outside a bar, having a girl's (guy's) night out, weekends in office, coffee at 12 midnight or guiltless flirting with a stranger ...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Who mixed my colors ?

Growing up, I always hated the idea of being hated. Equations in life were simple - if people hate you then they are probably someone to be wary of and if they don't they are your friends...Over the years - some cynicism has crept in ... instead of feelings of love and hate (which are absolute), feelings relative to my expectations have started making me wary of people or liking them. In my recent conversation with a friend - I had said that unsolicited affection can be more dangerous than unsolicited hatred. It was a thought that stayed with me. Why would anyone not like someone liking them. Is it because we have learnt from our experiences that affection without any expectation is rare. And though everytime we meet great people who exhibit such qualities and our faith in our original innocent hypothesis starts increasing - something happens that makes us realize its naivete'.
My friend told that she refused to give lift to a woman who was wearing torn clothes. Later her husband gave her lift and he found that her son was in dire need of some oxygen cylinder and she was too poor to afford it. My friend felt bad for not trusting her when it was her turn - but can she use this incident to give lift to a next person in torn clothes? Isn't it difficult to keep up with the idea of an ideal world - especially when you know that that one wrong person, that one wrong incident, that one drop of guard might ruin the rest of your life (or end it)...

Why is the world no longer black or white? why is it grey ..with varied do I keep up?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The need ...

The need to love, the need to be loved, the need to trust, the need to justify, the need to feel secure, the need to protect, the need to be fair, the need to avenge, the need to lead, the need to be guided, the need to be cared, the need to parent ...

Do we keep passing on the favors ?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Taming the ghost (literally)...

Ok honest -how many of us were scared of ghosts as a kid ? and how many of us really are till date...?
I was really scared of ghosts as a kid. You know those white semi-transparent things that you saw in the movies.. I remembered one incident when I mistook an old man dressed in all-white early morning as a ghost (inspite of him being fairly opaque) and totally taken aghast at this sudden face to face encounter I started screaming non-stop very loudly at him...the old man was later heard complaining of a chest pain ...
More recently the movies like "The Ring" and "The Grudge" in IIT kanpur lab scared me and the ring girl coming out the TV haunted me again and again ...
Even till late in US (one of my side theories is that since christians are buried instead of being burnt the chances of person turning into ghost is higher - I guess I took the term "rising from the grave" too literally) and I was scared of ghosts so much that I used to sleep with lights on till last year...However gradually the ghosts in the waking life started taking precedence and I started sleeping with the lights off...
Until a few days ago ... I had a dream that there is a ghost in the apartment and the horror was so much that I woke up and I thought I heard something ...and in that semi-concious state I could also hear my heart pounding faster and faster ...and then I came back in my 100% consciousness and found myself wide awake but dead scared.
And then I thought what if there indeed is a ghost out here and he/she/it turns up and in that sleepy and tired state I didnt have the energy to even scream- I thought I will make the ghost sit and talk about my problems in life - my car got a scratch, my water heater is leaking, my apartment is not clean, my code is not working and blah blah blah ...suddenly I felt that the ghost (or the fear of it) was gone...
I realized that though I couldn't get over my belief that ghosts exist I could however co-exist with them - I finally made my truce with that clan - afterall what will they get out of troubling a single girl...